This is a real life scenario.
People involved: Grandma
Mum (Grandma’s Daughter)
Dad
Son (Post will be written from the son’s perspective)
Mum and Grandma have always lived together and they share a close relationship. However, Grandma constantly lectures Mum and doesn’t give her much encouragement in anything that she does. Dad is a quiet man and seldom interferes in their arguments and household matters. Mum and Grandma are really caring and nice people by nature. They readily extend help when needed and are warm to their relatives and friends. For example, treating them to meals and giving them gifts. However, Grandma has never showed such affection to Mum.
A year ago, Mum suddenly decided to stop all communication with Grandma. She gave her the cold treatment and constantly reprimanded her for minor issues. This made Grandma really hurt. The relationship deteriorated to the extend where Mum treated Grandma as if she were transparent. For example, she bought food for the whole family with the exception of Grandma.
Currently, I am fifteen years old. Mum gets jealous whenever Grandma gives me something and she instructs me not to accept anything from Grandma. Mum repeatedly refused to talk and sort things out with Grandma. Her relationship with everyone else around her remains normal.
What is the main problem here? How do you think Dad should step in? What’s exactly on Mum’s mind? Is there anything that I can do?
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Hi Glenn,
ReplyDeleteI think that you have managed to capture most facts relevant to the situation, but I cannot help but wonder if there is a part missing with regards to your mother's sudden cold treatment towards your grandmother a year ago.
With regards to EQ principles, I think the most important factor missing here would probably be empathy. Your mother perhaps could try to understand the rationale for your grandmother's actions towards her - perhaps the constant lectures is her way of provoking your mother to improve? On the other hand, of course, your grandmother should perhaps try to understand how your mother feels after being lectured, and not been appreciated.
In your second paragraph, you mentioned that your mother began to respond to your grandmother's treatment by being cold towards her. Again, I think empathy needs to be exercised on your mother's part - perhaps she does not understand how hurtful her actions are towards your grandmother?
As a solution for this conflict, I would suggest as a first step that your father or you step in to explain to your mother that her actions are rather hurtful towards your grandmother, and to let your grandmother know that your mother has been feeling under-appreciated due to her lectures and lack of encouragement.
Dear Glenn,
ReplyDeleteAs a first step I think you could sit down with your mum for a heart to heart chat. Find out from her what exactly happened in the past that resulted in today's situation. Thereafter, I thought you could visit your grandma one day on your own accord and find out from her part of the story.
While listening to both parties, I thought perhaps you could try to put yourself in their shoes at the same time and make them feel that you understand their struggles. When you have convinced both and managed to earn their trust in this, properly step in and arrange for a family gathering with you, your mum and your grandma around.
While trying to resolve the conflict, perhaps you could let your mum know that you love her and that you know that she loves your grandma too. If you were to treat her the same way when she turns old, how would she feel? I guess that will prompt your mum to try and empathise with your grandma. Try to recollect all the things that your grandma has done for her. As for your grandma, let her know that your mum loves her and that is precisely why she felt hurt. Without love, could there be hurt in the first place?
Old people do get 'cranky' at times and as their children we have got to acknowledge that we are still their children afterall and they have brought us up with all they have. Remind your mum and grandma of the close bond they once shared, the things they have done for each other. Sometimes past happy memories can heal wounds.
Hi Glenn,
ReplyDeleteThe most basic question I have in mind is - Which side does Grandma belong to - Mom's or Dad's? From the tone of your post, it seems to be the latter. However, I would like to make sure.
As far as the conflict is concerned, I would think the Dad and the son are the ones who can help the situation as Mom and Grandma are probably too deeply entrenched in their own emotions.
Dad would need to face the problem head on and speak with the 2 parties involved separately first, and then together if he plans on having a peaceful life ahead.
As far as the son is concerned, he would have the advantage of being treated with a lot of care given his age. Having said that, he is less likely to be taken seriously as well as kids 'grow up' much later in Asian societies.
A touch of understanding would also definitely help from the Grandma/Mom's side but going by your description, it seems like the conflict has passed the realms of clear logical thinking.
On a different note, I like the concise presentation of the problem. This is something I need to work on.
It seems that Mum is unhappy that Grandma shows her less affection as compared to the rest of the family. Her response to this is to give Grandma the cold shoulder. This is an untenable situation as either party might eventually explode in anger which might result in irreversible damage caused to relations between the two.
ReplyDeleteDad, with his close relationship to both parties, should attempt to mediate between them. He should talk to them individually and find out the heart of the issue. He can then get them to talk it out together to resolve the problem.
As a fifteen-year old boy, you could convey your discomfort at the awkwardness between Mum and Grandma and get them to see that their "cold war" is affecting their loved ones as well.
Dear Glenn,
ReplyDeleteI believe that mom and grandma had a really serious quarrel; which has deteoriated due to both sides not willing to give in.
Dad should step in by talking to both parties individually first, so as to get a better grasp of the situation from different perspectives. Next, he could act as a mediator by tactfully conveying one's message to the other party.
I feel that the words of a 15-year old boy do not carry enough weight to solve such a serious problem between grandma and mom. However he should be able to prompt or hint to his father about his discomfort over the cold-war.
Humans are complex creatures, it would be hard to understand what Mom is thinking if she refuses to speak up. However, in order for a cold war to suddenly erupt, I think that a conflict might have happened in something serious and important, like distributing family fortune.
Similar to what I have commented on other's blogs, time heals all wounds. In the future, with some help from the father, grandma and mom could be more accepting of each other.
Dear Glenn,
ReplyDeleteI think Mum does not understand why she is getting the unfair treatment from Grandma. After so many years of being treated like she doesn’t have a stand in her mother’s eyes, her response is to ‘retaliate’ with the cold treatment. This is a really sticky situation and should be managed properly or things might go out of hand, such that the relationship between the two will be strained to the extent of no repair.
Dad stepping in could be a potential solution. Dad could talk to Mum and Grandma separately to see how each of them feels and see how he can mediate the situation from there.
Words from a 15 year old might not have much weight in adult conversations but I feel small actions can go a long way. However, I feel what Jie Ren said might just be a possible solution. Express your discomfort at the strain relationship between Mum and Grandma. What I feel is that for a child to know and see that as a problem, it means that it is affecting their loved ones as well and it is making things very awkward when the family comes together. In light of this, Mum and Grandma being more understanding would also help. If both are willing to be more accepting and forgiving, things would improve and I think there might good times ahead for this family!
-nicole
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDear Glenn
ReplyDeleteI am a little confused about why mom and grandma shared a close relationship despite the fact that grandma constantly lectures mom, doesn't give her much encouragement in life and doesn't show "such affection" to her. Perhaps the truth is seldom told to a kid. Also, a kid's judgment might not be always right.
I say the problem here does not lie with the conflict mom and grandma might have had. The problem here is a fifteen year old kid being unable to accept the fact that mom and grandma have stopped communicating with each other. I should explain myself. If grandma and mom are completely fine with not wanting to talk to each other, who is to deny them of that liberty? If a patient(say a blind person) doesn't want to go through a painful surgery(retina transplant) to have a chance of curing his/her illness, no one should force him/her to do it.
The solution here is time. In time, the kid will soon learn to understand that some things are difficult to change. Maybe dad should step in to teach his child to accept the truth and that sometimes problems worsen when people attempt to solve them.
-Jasper
(Hey no offence to the fifteen year old kid. I'm just giving my comment from a neutral point of view with all the information that is provided. Who knows, maybe there are some things that I don't know and my solutions might be wrong!)
Hi all, thanks for all the comments. It has given me many perspectives on how to view the situation. With regards to Clement’s question as to whether there’s a missing part, I personally have no idea if there was any major argument prior to the cold war.
ReplyDeleteThis is my personal opinion of the situation.
My knowledge of the situation is as much as what’s written in the post. Mom and Grandma did share a close relationship and I believe Mom has been putting up with Grandma over the years being the nice person that she is. As mentioned by Nicole, I believe she felt enough was enough and decided to start the cold war. However the extend of it is something that really intrigues me and as mentioned by Rohan, it doesn’t seem logical. I believe the only solution would be to ask Mom directly for the reason, however to date, there has been no answer. Hurts might be something that is hard to let go off and too personal to reveal. As mentioned by Clement and Goh Chern, I agree that it would be good if Grandma tries to show more of her affection and love towards Mom. Trust though takes a long time to build and therefore it might take a while.
Getting the fifteen year old boy to show his awkwardness would go a long way as well. This was something that I have failed to consider.
Jasper’s comment does give me a different perspective. A fifteen year old might not always be correct due to the lack of experience.
Thanks for all the comments once again.
This is a clearly and concisely presented scenario, Glenn, one that must resonate with your readers: look at all the commentary!
ReplyDeleteThe conflict seems to be an age-old problem, too: mother-in-law/daughter-in-law. I like the way you describe it, for detailing the characters then presenting the evolving misunderstanding.
You might have given your readers less of a complex task by focusing on one or two main issues. Still, this is good effort.
There are a few problems in language use:
1) For example, treating them to meals and giving them gifts. >>> sentence fragment
2) Currently, I am fifteen years old. Mum gets jealous whenever Grandma gives me something and she instructs me not to accept anything from Grandma. Mum repeatedly refused to talk and sort things out with Grandma. Her relationship with everyone else around her remains normal. >>> verb tense inconsistency
Thanks!
Good conversation which would be more clear for the people. Effective Communivation plays a very important role in everyone's life and career especially. One can Convey with others in a very high and innovative manner. It helps each and every person to develop their self Confidence.
ReplyDelete